Broken Sun
This is a Depressing Poem
I get up to see the sun broken
Black thoughts fill the rooms and all I can say is hello again
All good has been cast in the shadow the moment his team walk in
You’re Disabled, no wonder you’ve no company when you were enabled you were hit by a bus at least with us you’re sure
I get up to see the sun is broken and the spring has been chained up, winters shipped in
You’re broken so why even think about fixing yourself? You’ll just be a ghost to the men who stand tall what else you got to offer
You’re in love with her, she sees how needy you are and she’d run off into the waterfall before she’d put her lips close to you
Every note is missed because we’re here making sure everything’s just safe for you
The dark smoke covers your eyes they only tell you lies
The sun is disabled and won’t ever put its hat on anymore now we’ve moved in.
20/07/2009
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Comments
Really like this
I think that there are some really strong lines in this piece, for example,
the sun is broken
and
You're broken
the sun is disabled
It's a very deep piece, which I think has alot of potential
I think that the piece could be stronger and tighter if you expanded more on the images, and show us how you feel,
like ghost to the men that stand tall, is a good example of how you've achieved this.
Nice piece
Belinda
title
is changed form the earlier 'This Is A Depressing Poem'. I find it a startling poem too, with its refusal to lie about an emotion often hidden. Poroably needs pruining and shaping but at core a strong poem. Makes a bitter sweet contrast with your poem 'Delia'