Dear Sister.
Tue, 29/11/2011 - 06:18 — sobertooth
This is a poetry I had written when I saw my sister crying. It felt bad as it was a silent release of emotions.
So here goes;
Never saw you...never saw you this way,
I thought you had given up...given up this fray.
I knew it pained and it pained a lot,
I saw your tears for the first time I thought.
Your face though covered, your hands your veil,
It had a story, it had a tale.
Your eyes though tired, did cry a river.
Just couldn't see, couldn't see you shiver.
Please smile little sister please smile,
some things in life may push you the extra mile.
As this world...this world is not that wry,
at least not worthy...
not worthy to see you cry.
Comments
Dear Sister
This is a lovely piece! Obviously you are very close to your sister and the evidence of that bond is made abundantly clear. There are some really nice touches to this piece that are wonderfully illustrated, especially "your hands your veil", that's a great image! The only thing I would say is that you should perhaps replace "did cry a river" and "push you the extra mile", as they are both somewhat cliched, and also perhaps explore some of your sister's other mannerisms that maybe run a little deeper and may possibly illustrate the emotions your sister displayed a little more, perhaps by fictionalising the scenario so there are more concrete images portrayed.
Just a few thoughts there!
All in all, a great piece with lots of warmth and genuine emotion!
Wonderful!
Nadeem
Thanks a ton Nadeem!!
Point noted, I wrote this piece 3 years back and I totally agree with the points you mentioned.
Thanks a ton again :)