Naked
Wed, 06/02/2008 - 16:25 — segun
Not being very good at following orders, I tried a praise poem to my GF & it came out slightly wrong, more like a dark love poem, but there you go. Got another one coming tho...
Naked
Shivering,
not even removed my coat.
Goosepimples prick my arms.
Can’t look in your eyes.
Might see me.
My teeth chattering nonsense,
pull my hat down tight.
Can’t afford to lose
body heat. Precious.
Can’t take off my gloves.
Last time a woman touched me,
got frostbite.
I will not sing when I look in your eyes.
Can’t take off my scarf.
Windchill might choke me.
But if I exposed my tattoos of hot suicide girls,
if I could dive bare into those dark pools,
I wouldn’t shiver, my teeth would still
& together we might sing
defiance
like the earth’s last sunset
Comments
wow - love it Mr
wow - love it Mr
Sunset begins the night chill...
Brrrr.....
The idea behind the vulnerability in the 'run up' to loving a woman gives the poem a male ruefulness that really works. The stanza with 'Last time a woman touched me, got frostbite...' those words work so hard for you!!! Aye!
That is where the poem really made me sit up or began even. The last stanza is also just amazing - it has such a 'gloriousness' about it. There might need to be another connecter between the voice's earlier vulnerability to this declaration as the tone changes.... And I really mean 'might need to be' as it is difficult to say something is missing from a good poem!
O yeah- I feel you on the following directions part... The praise poem I'm about to post plain and simply isn't one so I'm feeling like - please hang up and try again!!!
BTW - Thanks for thoughtful reply on 'Household Gods'.
shivering
Maybe I see the potential for a series of 'Can'ts' instead of the first verses? -cant look in your eyes, I will not sing when I look in your eyes, cant lose body heat... somehting like that, without too much explanation, building to Abi's 'But.... sunset.' But maybe thats just me?
Hmm...
if I exposed my tattoos of hot suicide girls,
if I dove bare into those dark pools,
I wouldn’t shiver, my teeth would still
& together we might sing
defiance
like the earth’s last sunset
these last lines were the electric for me. I'm not too keen on the structure and language of the first lines. maybe I'm trying too hard. Why the abbreviations, i noticed that in a lot of manchester poems, is it a new form? meant to mean something or just aesthetics?