Haemoglobin
Sun, 28/03/2010 - 17:31 — Pete Kalu
Playground trails to my sister, crouched, wiping her eyes in a corner
Watching the doctor draw the syringe full, the swirl.
The expanding pool, misplaced on the pavement, and the
bystander's cry, 'the vicar, Get the vicar!'
One dot on a sheet unravels a three year dream.
Comments
Potentially powerful if
Potentially powerful if format was re-considered...shorter lines maybe
and the (this is a weak ending for a line)
powerful stuff
i like the images - would consider another word over expanding -
expanding and misplaced don't seem to 'best fit' a sound continuance of the previous corner/watching/doctor rhythm which i like as it moves the poem on at an appropriate pace and is echoed in the c of vicar
would also consider watching the doctor draw the syringe; swirl full - the .... pool...
the last line reminds me of Heaney's poem 'midterm break' the ending line - 'a four foot box, a foot for every year'
blood
Thanks for your feedback Steve, its short, detailed and useful!
PS. followed the link to the poem you put up and watched the youtube poem but (you know me!) couldnt catch all the words. Was going to ask you to post the words up here then...your youtube link was gone!
-Pete