Fat Rain
Fri, 26/03/2010 - 16:42 — Pete Kalu
Rain xylophones my windshield.
I’m at Morrisons petrol station, tucked behind
the Car wash. Thru mirror shades I take in
This banded grey sky. My suit wants to
sigh off, my tie already adrift. My eyelids sink and
the old, good, fat times brush over me.
Comments
balance
yeah, finally got around to looking at this.
felt balanced but bitty reading this, if you know what i mean, harry
so i thought to myself, i thought: cumulative frequency
is a verb noun piece, well balanced but what breaks it up:
verb/verb phrase 8
noun/noun phrase 10
pronoun 7
adjective 6 (or 5 if you count fat times as a noun phrase)
adverb 1
(or put another way, modifiers) 7
2 pronouns are subject, 1 object and 4 possessive (3 occurring in one and a half lines)
modifier, verb, noun - nice balance. it's the pronouns that make it bitty, in particular the possessive. I would also get rid of one I.
strictly:
i'm at morrisons petrol station. i am tucked behind the car wash. i am taking in the banded grey sky through mirror shades.
elision would normally remove the second and third I:
i'm at morrisons petrol station, tucked behind the car wash, taking in the banded grey sky through mirror shades.
keeping the third I forces you to adopt an uncomfortable word order as a means of avoiding a clumsy word order.
if you remove the 'I'm' and replace 'wash.' with 'wash,' it actually becomes less (tho still) uncomfortable:
at Morrisons petrol station, tucked behind
the Car wash, thru mirror shades I take in
this banded grey sky.
me, i would probably push the elision further and go with :
at Morrisons petrol station, tucked behind
the Car wash, taking in thru mirror shades
this banded grey sky - my suit wants to sigh
off, tie already adrift. My eyelids sink and
the old, good, fat times brush over me.
does this help? answers on a postcard.
the first line of Pete's is
the first line of Pete's is very mych needed but just needs tinkering .
the rain and my windshield: a xylophone
this kind of arrangement where the sentence makes more sense and retains the metaphorical value would be better
a lot has been lost in your version Martin.
very helpful
both your method and its conclusions are insightful, mr d m. I will study them with great detail and try them out. My only reservation on your version - to lose a xylophone is understandable, but to lose a piano too??
-Pete
Hi, I like the xylophoning
Hi, I like the xylophoning rain: scattered and musical in nature on the windscreen. The exausetd clothing is great too, the way it is falling from you at the days end.
Im just confused about the 'fat times' are these wholesome times, full of goodness? if so it maybe paralles the title of FAT RAIN the fullness of the drops mirror the fullness of the times you reflect upon at the poems close...
I like it a lot. Emma.
it is not the word
it is not the word 'xylophones' or the concept/comparison , it is more the structure of this phrase which does not sound right to me
eg. xylophonic rain or something which has been blended grammatically, would make this line much more powerful and convey the idea(in my opinion, anyway)
its all gravy
yes the english language has had a greater hesitation about using nouns as verbs than many other languages. Often, only poets are allowed to do so, and then only on strict licence. Slang as well will use it (eg 'big up'- now become mainstream but began as adjective to verb) etc. Hey, its all gravy!
-Pete
fat rain fat times
yes you are spot on with the fat times /fat rain connection (though I think the 'fat times' line a bit wordy at the moment). They were the times that contrast with the lean, hard times that have just necessitated the car journey and I'm remembering those ancient good times at poem's end. Thanks for your feedback, Emma.
lovely to see some poems by
lovely to see some poems by you Pete!
not sure about 'xylophones' as an action , but get what you're saying
is it Morrison's? (apostrophe)
fat times is too large a concept plus the title says fat rain which makes the effort look lazy (hope not harsh but I have learnt from you ;-))
wetness
Hi Nabila, thanks fr your sensitive feedback. I may substitute 'piano' for xylophone, - less obtrusive as a verb. still chewing on the fat rain / fat times repetition...!
-Pete