Workboots NEW (For Dike Omeje, 1972 - 2007)
He always used to wear those yellow workboots.
Their bright hue now faded and worn, yet sturdy.
The chatter they made as he walked a familiar sound.
Teamed with light blue combat jeans, a perfect fusion.
He had a smile on his face as he walked in them,
Like they were old friends, companions on his journey.
They never squeaked or creaked with age,
Instead, their movements grew more graceful as they aged.
He must have walked millions of steps in them.
Seemingly more confident with each sleek movement.
The last time I saw them, they were ancient yet sprightly,
As if the passage of time of the destinations they reached
Gathered momentum, as if on a mission,
One that would determine the course of his existence.
When I last saw him, he was still smiling.
He was to embark on a special journey.
One from which he'd never return.
Yet all I remember is his smile
As he walked in them
On last time.
(c) NZ 2009.
Comments
Subject : comment on poem
yes boss
first three stanzas work, after that falls apart. too abstract and generalised. dike was a very particular person. there’s a lot of poetry on objects/clothes and people. in general what makes them powerful is the way they evoke presence without ever becoming the person.
where your poem loses its power is the point at which the boots and dike start to become one:
‘the destination they reached’ prefigures and becomes ‘a special journey’. don’t let his presence step out of the boots and you’ll have a better poem.
suggest poem is first three stanzas, sharpen a bit, add a couple of lines.
Workboots
Cheers Martin, I was looking to possibly sharpen it a bit in any case. For a first draft it's quite clear in its nature so I think generally should be quite simple to rewrite it.
Thanks very much!
Nadeem
boots and journeys
Hello,
I liked this piece. I particulary liked the idea of the 'boots' as a symbol of the poet you describe. The idea tha the boots shone, their very own colour, and I imagine the poet walking into a scene in his boots.
As the comments suggest, I would like to read more about the journeys that this person and these boots 'took', maybe, pinpointing a particular night that the poet was performing, and what it meant to you, what feelings were aroused.
I appreciate that this maybe a first draft, but in the first stanza I thought that the line ' now faded', might sound better without the 'now' as it's a poem about the past.
and
in the third stanza, you've referred to age and aged twice, which in my opinion, is not needed.
Wonderful idea
Belinda
Workboots
Hi Belinda,
Thanks for the useful feedback, I appreciate it. I reckon I just need to be a bit more disciplined in terms of eliminating words that don't need to be there and then it should work a lot better.
Thanks again!
N
boots and images
this one caught me by surprise - I'd fogotten those boots yet you evoked them superbly. There may still be some room for development of the poem: I'm not sure how strongly Dike is coming across to those who did not know him. Perhaps add some very specific occasions when you saw the boots? And this may allow you to take out some less evocative lines? PS it reminded me of the last time I visited his flat, when he had just passed away, I was struck by this gathering of his shoes in his hallway by the stairs.. .
Workboots
Thanks for this Pete - I think you're spot on there so I'll definitely bear that in mind.
Much appreciated!
Nadeem
Comment from Nabila
This is superb - I smiled and then at th end re-lived that feeling of loss and missed him again .
very powerful and one of your best x keep writing (God bless Dike)
Workboots
Thank you very much Nabila - I've been wrestling quite a lot recently with writing material which breaks away from the "I" voice which I realise I have done an awful lot so I'm pleased that I'm beginning to break away from that and hopefully doing so successfully!
N
Workboots
This piece is the result of a workshop I attended at Rochdale Wheatsheaf Library facilitated by John Siddique on 28 March 2009. I was trying to focus on an image that I remembered of him, as I'm now endeavouring to write more imagistic pieces of work which hopefully "show" rather than "tell". Whether I have succeeded or not in this instance is for you to judge.