Steely-Eyed (First Draft) NEW
Sat, 17/10/2009 - 15:24 — Nadrock
Hard, cold, unrelenting.
The stare of a blank soul.
Someone of no consequence,
Always dismissive of others.
She feeds off their ambitions
Yet destroys them.
Horror and disgust
Her only friends.
Empty and evil,
Eerie and lifeless.
Her voice caustic,
Her sight shortened.
What is it that pains her?
She never opens up,
Never lets anyone get close.
A smile left her once
Effervescent face.
It hasn't been seen since.
(c) NZ 2009.
Comments
think try focusing on the
think try focusing on the person's characteristics more to really bring this to life- is this a re-write of the one you brought to a workshop some time ago?
Steely-Eyed
Partly yes, I think you're referring to a piece called "Office Politics", which I wrote back in 2003. It was also inspired by an art exhbition as well which I mentioned in my comment.
Cheers for advice. Will have a good look at it again.
Nadeem
yup that's the one !try
yup that's the one !
try replacing the general words in this or those which are often used with something that makes this specific /unusual
I am having very useful tutorials with an experienced writer (Jean Sprackland) - the above is just some of the advice she gave. What can you think of that would surprise the reader ?out of context, unusual words that sit well in the frame of your your idea and have metaphorical value. 'Cold, unrelenting'are often used -try using thesaurus
However, if we start trying to be too clever, the poem can become so nonsensical that it can alienate the reader and leave him/her frustrated. Just have to achieve the right balance. I know you don't do this but just be aware of it.
Steely-Eyed
Thanks for that - will look into it!
Nadeem
This has a very dramatic
This has a very dramatic quality-such a clear character with her forcefulness and unyielding austerity.
I like how you have read in to her personality from the painting-
"Empty and evil,
Eerie and lifeless.
Her voice caustic,
Her sight shortened".
And the question you have posed as to why she may be so firm not let people near her and why she is in pain etc. this shows compassion for her nature.
As the reader I wish her softness to return-she would have such an isolating life.
Very well written. Take care.
Steely-Eyed
Thanks Mulberry, I really appreciate that!
Thank you also for explaining which parts spoke to you - that's really useful!
Nadeem
Steely-Eyed
This is a brand new poem, literally written just over an hour ago. I've just been to another Artland Gallery exhibition called "Paradise Lost", a series of paintings by Michael Slusakowicz. The painting on which this poem is based is of a middle-aged woman, who looked very stern and hostile in the image, so what I wanted to do is attempt to bring out that hostility and anger in her by way of this piece. As always, all feedback warmly received!
N