The Quiet Road Home NEW
Walking is a forgotten pastime.
The universe becomes ever faster
In its journey,
The need for serenity
And considered contemplation
Totally overlooked.
Where has all the silence gone?
I've no idea.
I don't see the need for all that commotion.
Why are all in such a hurry?
The quiet path is the one for me.
It may have been a while
Since I last experienced it
But I long for peace once more.
Here, I always find it.
These hills are like home to me,
Their warmth exudes from them
As I walk past.
I revel in the familiar sound
Of rustling leaves,
The sweet chorus of birdsong.
The aroma of this friendly breeze.
The rain is absent though,
Even though the clouds are prominent.
It must be on its way.
I can feel my feet
Being soothed by the grass,
The antidote to a busy day.
Just another mile to go,
Expectation is rising.
A hot dinner of beef, roast potatoes
And gravy awaits me.
I'm feeling a welcome anticipation
As hunger starts to take hold of me.
Just a few yards to go,
And I see my home.
The lights are on, my wife
Sat by the fire, waiting for me.
We eat, grateful and satisfied.
Now I know why I chose
The quiet road home.
(c) NZ 2009.
Comments
a few comments
yes boss
not really read anything like this from you before. a few comments.
need to lose a few lines - ten or so - and think about how you compress the emotion you want into the lines you have left – the liberation of quiet/peace is in one sense the liberation to feel
you’ve come a long way in not being overly abstract and hyperbolic, and in avoiding redundancy, but still a legacy in this poem. examples:
the universe, it is indeed expanding at an increasing rate, however what is meant here is the ‘modern’ human world
always dangerous to make a claim for ‘need’ without an explanation of why it is necessary, as opposed to desirable, which the poem doesn’t attempt but could do
i’ve no idea – redundant as implied by the question, which in the context is not merely rhetorical
hope this useful
The Quiet Road Home
Cheers for that advice Martin - glad you seem to like it
- I know it's been a gradual process for me in terms of style changes but I'm definitely getting there. One thing I would like to do is shorten it but I don't think I should shorten it too much as the main point of the poem might end up slipping away, something I'm always conscious of and I feel it would be nice for something of mine that's more than just a few lines long to get in print, something which unfortunately hasn't happened for me yet and that is beginning to concern me a bit. Thus, I need some detailed advice I think. Are there any particular lines you feel I need to work on? I'd very much appreciate some feedback on this last point!
Thanks once again,
Nadeem
wouldn't worry about poem being 'too short'
basically nadeem, if you can say it in prose why write a poem? what is it that a poem does?
lot of different answers to that question, one answer is that a poem allows you concentration.
your poem is 41 lines long, 2 pages in print. anything over a page has to work hard to justify itself. the lines i would remove are the ones that don't justify themselves being there. same applies to words within lines that add nothing to the meaning or effect of the line.
e.g.
The quiet path is the one for me.
It may have been a while
Since I last experienced it
But I long for peace once more.
Here, I always find it.
These hills are like home to me,
Their warmth exudes from them
As I walk past.
remove the redundant lines and you have :
The quiet path is the one for me.
I long for peace once more.
Here, I always find it
These hills are like home to me,
Their warmth exudes from them
As I walk past.
edit that with a little severity and you get:
For me, the quiet path
I long for peace once more
I always find
These hills like home,
warmth exudes from them
As I walk past.
a little bit of work and find a way to emphasise the pauses at the end of and within lines and the poem speaks the silence without words, which makes the main point of the poem more effective.
hope that helps.
That does help quite a lot
That does help quite a lot actually - what I was meaning when I said I'm conscious of poems being too short is that it would be nice to have a mixture of short and long pieces - I don't just want to be known as someone who writes short poems - but this advice certainly helps.
Thank you!
N
just
what I was going to write: you take the words from my keyboard, martin. I would just add, that the short version as martin has condensed it actually (and perhaps strangely) better reflects the artwork that inspired you, nadeem, despite martin (I'm guessing) never having seen it!
You will fly as a poet once you can condense (or parse or edit or select) in the way martin has shown. You are heading there. As Shameless's Paul Abott says, the rewriting is where the real writing begins! - pete
Cheers Pete - I'm finally at
Cheers Pete - I'm finally at a stage where I'm ready to swallow my pride as it doesn't do you any favours. The one thing I still struggle with though is a desire for absolute perfection in the very first draft - I'm gradually moving away from that though.
N
The Quiet Road Home
This piece was inspired by another Artland Gallery exhibition I attended last week called "Butterflies In Rain", which features a series of paintings by Margaret Cahill. The painting I based this poem on was of an elderly man walking up a country trail towards his home after a long, hard day. What I wanted to do was to try and connect a potential reader with this image. What I sought to capture was how this particular journey enriched the man's life, the passions it evoked in him and the expectations he had when he reached home. I feel this sort of lifestyle is one we as humans have lost sight of in our quest to become bigger, better and more successful individuals. In searching for the big things, we overlook the little things in the process, the simple pleasures, the things that truly matter. I hope I succeeded.
Nice idea Nadeem, good
Nice idea Nadeem, good description enjoyed your comment and i agree, that we do tend do ignore the simple things in life and there's no better way to capture it than going for a nice long refreshing walk.
Thank you very much! I'm not
Thank you very much! I'm not a very materialistic person in general anyway and that's also an underlying theme in this piece. Glad you liked it!
Regards,
N