Lost City
My car's just died.
As it splutters to a halt,
I seize the chance to explore.
I emerge, the heat
Engulfing me as I open the door.
My tanned face a dark brown
As it cakes in the summer sun.
Lighting a cigarette,
I can feel the white shirt I'm wearing
Glued to my back.
I reach for my comb, running it
Frantically through my locks.
I advance further, cigarette
Dangling from mouth.
I remembered my water bottle,
Recently filled,
Hung around my neck.
I walk nonchalantly through
The barren landscape,
Looking back at the car,
The driver's door wide open.
My boots challenged by
Craggy textures underfoot.
Ancient rock face in the distance,
Its remnants either side of me.
I just make out the boundaries of my father's
Childhood home. I can see
Bones of walls where the lounge used to be.
I remember my father sitting in his chair.
Reading his paper, smoking his pipe.
I now come to my old school,.
Markings of desks in my classroom,
The blackboard, teacher's cane in hand.
What memories.
I see the public house where I drank
For the very first time.
I sense the sound of the factory bell
Where I used to work, that also
Reduced to nothing.
I savour the look on my first wife's face
As we married in that old house I grew up in.
Why did we have to change?
I do not know what has happened to us.
I head back to the car,
Using some water from my bottle
For the radiator.
It starts again and I head home,
But I'll never forget my lost city.
(c) NZ 2009.
Comments
yes I agree with the others
yes I agree with the others Nadeem
However I do feel your work is changing for the better and it is progressing
we all evolve in our own time and glad you are taking things on board - it is not easy to do so.
Lost City
Thank you - I appreciate your honesty. It has taken me a long time to evolve and I think that's partly due to stubbornness on my part, but there is a definite shift in my focus for the better so I'm glad - it was getting quite frustrating for me.
Thanks again!
N
Hi Nadeem, Good, felt the
Hi Nadeem,
Good, felt the poem could have been longer ie the middle section, describing the city and its importance a little bit more. Then it would have had more balance- you have a long intro into the scene, the middle and ending seem rushed.
Lost City
Vijay,
Thanks for the feedback - appreciate it. I see what you mean. Will do some work on it soon.
Thanks.
N
Hi Nadrock, I read this a
Hi Nadrock,
I read this a few times. I like the way that it reads, it flows well, and it kept me the reader wanting to read on.
I like the idea of you getting out of the car and walking, and then the way you introduce different places and people as you walk. I get the feel that your walking through some kind of wasteland and that your the only person around.
Only a small, but I' d personally like to be shown more about the landscape around you as you walk, you started to do this in stanza 8, 'Bones of walls' which I really liked, good imagery. What about teh factory and the public house? It would be nice to be shown more about these. That's only my opinion of course :)
Like the fact that you return to the car at the end, it closes the piece of nicely. It leaves you wanting to know more.
Belinda
Lost City
Hi Belinda,
Thank you very much for the really useful feedback! I know what you mean about the points in the piece that need some work - I've wondered that myself recently in all honesty. Will have a good look through the superfluous bits soon and see what I can come up with. I really liked the fact the poem left you wanting to know more - that was precisely my intention! Maybe I'll do a "Part 2" of this piece and see what transpires.
Thanks again!
N
Lost City
This is another piece inspired by the Butterflies in Rain Exhibition, written on 23 May 2009, the day after my 35th birthday. I guess it's quite reflective and this is because I feel I'm at an age where I am questioning things a lot, trying to make sense of my very existence and through this piece, albeit a fictional one, attempts to go some way towards achieving that aim.
Any feedback, as always, warmly appreciated!
N