Commonword Blogs

that you are driving at here Mulberry - really like the stanza No planes... the emotive of the clouds is a neat image as is curled up with a book in the earlier stanza

i would consider removing any connectives that are not absolutely essential to the work

eg -

Maybe the cats are meandering on another street
and the snails amble minutely in the lawn.
The drenched dogs gambole in a neighbouring field.

are these cats specific as opposed to just being cats and similarly for the dogs too

snails amble minutely in the lawn - i like the image the macro of the cats to the almost micro of the snail - i wonder if sloth would work rather than amble - it may be me, but when i think of amble i think of legs : )

Maybe cats are meandering on another street
and snails sloth minutely on the lawn,
drenched dogs gambole in a neighbouring field.

also i don't think you need relieved in the line

Cars sigh, relieved in garages

for me i already got the relieved bit in 'cars sigh', so didn't feel the need to have the qualifying word directly after - it may though simply be that i tend to think visually and all that so :-)

thanks for your considered comment btw