Breath
Tue, 06/01/2009 - 08:43 — Melanie Duncan
Through breath I can inhale the plan for my future,
The dreams I have yet to have,
The good things that I want
Wishes that I plan to make a reality
In the same flow of breath I can release
Those things I have grown out of
Lessons already learned
And Exhausted
People who have no further purpose
I inhale, a brighter future
With infinite possibilities
Positive people
Growth
Love
Light
Understanding
Exhale, negativity
Blockage
Deviation
Gossip
Bad habits
Insecurity
Inhale, beautiful experience
Guidance
Peace
Ideas
Creativity
Songs for my heart to sing
Exhale,
Pray
Exhale
Meditate
Exhale
Forgive
Exhale
Live
Exhale
Laugh
Exhale
Dance
Exhale
Love.
Melanie Duncan ©
Comments
Comments
Line 1; plan or plans?
Line 6; I’ve instead of I have?
Line 7; omit already?
Line 9; presume you mean people who no longer contribute anything to your life: teenagers, men, that kind of thing
Line 10; brighter future too much of a cliché
Line 11; infinite possibilities, ditto
Lines 12 – 28; the list is a bit black and white and somewhat conventional. Like gossip and bad habits because they suggest something more concrete and human with the struggle to change/re-form that entails. The other items in the list, the abstraction makes them seem somehow less possible because they’re less human, noble aims but in a way divorced from life.
Not sure re. last stanza how well it works. Difficult to communicate the process when physically you have to say the word you wish to inhale as you finishing saying exhale, that is at the end of exhaling. If you inhale before you say pray, meditate, etc. becomes too clumsy.
Maybe you can use the layout on the page to force a pause that corresponds to the exhale, an imperfect example:
Exhale | as you inhale
Pray Meditate Forgive Live Laugh Dance Love.
(Should be gap of several spaces between each word but not displayed when comment published on the blog. Maybe summat you can look into Pete?)
Thanks Mr Editor, I will
Thanks Mr Editor, I will look at it agian.
Breathe
Really got into this poem melanie. it could be a healing meditation. agree with the comment about 'people who have no further purpose'.
sounds almost like 'they' should be eliminated! which is not what i think you mean't to say!
also the line 'inhale beautiful experience'. some expeirences while anything but beautiful are just as valuable / valid as teaching experiences for the soul. or maybe am i just nitpicking?
still a great piece of work girl!!
Yvonne
sigh
yes i need to read this poem every day - it suggests a natural process of growing and letting go, its a meditation and a new years resolution and its very calming, I'm sure it is read and said in a way that shows the breath control needed.
The only line that jars for me is letting go of 'people who have no further purpose'. Maybe you meant something like people who undermine you (not very poetic that but I'm sure you get my drift). I am proud that many of my friends have no further purpose, they completely useless except in that most important way - as friends!
That line bugged me a bit 2,
That line bugged me a bit 2, I mus confess, didn't know how to put it. Its more cold and calculated than i would have wanted. Will review