Wonderland
Tue, 03/11/2009 - 21:52 — Loreen Williams
Wonderland the place where all dreams happen and you feel like a kid again. Playing games to win teddy's, stuffing your face with candyfloss and ice cream, sun beaming and children screaming, rides look so high and the thrill looks daring. Enter the water park where it looks amazing, water slides and pools everywhere. Fancy a deck chair! wish you could stay there forever but it's all just a dream stuck in your own wonderland but not the one you dreamed. This ones less fun more responsibility and choices to make. Don't you wish wonderland was here to stay?
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Comments
I would love to see you eek
I would love to see you eek out feelings here: the joy and the innocence, sense of adventure, feeling free abandon. maybe teddies with wonky eyes... won on the games.
maybe slides land in the shiny turquise (sun hitting the water)
you could use a samantic field of water related description to reflect the mood of people at the park eg: ripples of excitement, splashes of freedom etc.
sorry to get ahead of myself. I just think this has such potential to highlight the freedom of childhood and the restriction of adulthood-heavily layden with too much responsibility to be grown up.
take care em.
specifics.
Loreen, I love the imagery and your ideas here!
I like this line: rides look so high and the thrill looks daring.
The water park-maybe alter the word amazing to something more specific or mood related like you did with the rides. you mention them looking daring! I like that lots. The wild abandon in water parks is always tangible. have a fiddle with it there to enhance the level of imageryu and excitement.
little spelling mistake "feel" like a kid again.
good luck with this piece. It could go places. take care Emma.
Thanks
Thank you for your comment and suggestions this is the first mini piece I've written in a while
Thanks again Emma
I know what you are saying
I know what you are saying here :-)
Just add that bit extra eg what kind of game ? which ride in particular?
Thanks
Thank you for your comments greatly appreciated