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Thu, 15/01/2009 - 19:51 — Loreen Williams
I sit here thinking to myself why do i care? But the answer is i dont know you seem to have some power over me! One look in them eyes and im hypmotised! Its like you eyes are some key built to break me free you wanna know the real me but im afraid to let you see the hurt, tears, i hold inside.
Blocked by the past which i choose not to share instead i lock it up and breakdown when no ones there when im with you i feel safe and i know its where i wanna be. Youve stolen my heart but i wont let it show gotta keep that stuff on them low.
Im so confused i dont know how you feel? Your one of them guys that likes to keep it real scared to get my heart broken so i dont say a word. Best keep it to myself before i get hurt.
Comments
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Hi Loreen,
I think this piece really speaks for itself and you've managed that really well. It obviously relates to a painful experience and I get the impression it's still quite raw, as if it occurred only recently. Am I correct in thinking it's quite a recent experience (as it clearly relates to a real life story)?
The only thing I would say is that technically in terms of how it looks on the page, it could do with a bit more punctuation and pauses in between. The lines could be shortened to make it look more poetic and that would give it pace and rhythm, but in terms of the content it's extremely powerful and I love the internal rhyme!
Overall, a great piece! Well done!
love and pain
your poem/text makes abundantly clear how they tend to be inextricably linked! its difficult to write about stuff that is affecting you without telling too much for comfort. perhaps keep a diary for publication in later years?