Ordinary Men
Ordinary Men
They took us out into the bush at night
And made us sing liberation songs till dawn but they couldn’t –
Dismantle the image we'd built of white men as gods in our minds
They spoke of Independence
Of Ghana, of Nigeria, of guerrilla warfare but they still –
Couldn’t take the fear out of our hearts
Finally, they beat us
When world war two began they told us to resist but we still –
Went off to enlist
Until we saw them –
Ordinary men
Comforting weeping wives
Kissing screaming children on their cheeks
“Back before Christmas!â€
Until we saw them –
Leaping out of trenches yelling: No guts, no glory!
Until we saw their gory insides blown
Inside out, headless bodies
Riddled with bullets shot out in volley
Until they THRASHED OUT – in pain
And reached out for OUR hands
These men so superior we couldnt piss in the same pot
Until they stretched their arms out to the sky, gasping for air
Not power, or a whip but but air...
Until we saw them –
Carried by fellow comrades mourning:
Dulce ET decorum EST pro patria Mori
We would never have believed – that we could fight them and win
And so we returned home to Africa ordinary men
Our children around us, crying out for lollies
When all we had were black and red poppies
And the folly, of returning home as Heroes to be slaves again
Comments
The 3rd line and the last
The 3rd line and the last are the most telling. It's deeper than your run-of-the-mill Black Situation poem. So one is better off reading this than loads of the others put together.
The 3rd line what's expressed there is what shackles us. Seeing that alone doesn't solve things.
I was once taling to a black professional-type chap about Black matters and on my making a cheapo point he took on a far-away look and said to me: "It's bigger than that".
Part of the 'Bigger than that' is that around 1% of this island's population so I've been informed, attend a certain type of school. They command 80% of the top jobs. It's accepted - to my observation - with no eye-brow raising. The comman man has that type of fixation class-wise. The writer Catherine Cookson. Very successful taken on her own terms; commented that when she was a child, the idea of learning more than signing your name was laighed at. In the environment she grew up in in the Northeast. Those that were looked up to [ref 'gods'] were the only ones who needed to bother.
Others have touched on this. Your voice exploring it with your unique viewpoint dealing with it as well as you can, you might be onto something.
Now I'll read the other comments! Ed Kane
feedback
Clare R
lots of great lines/rhymes in this poem
"When world war two began they told us to resist but we still –
Went off to enlist"
this sounds good to my ear
and
"These men so superior we couldnt piss in the same pot
Until they stretched their arms out to the sky, gasping for air"
gives a powerful visual image
Also I think the last stanza is very strong.
The capital letters don't work well for me and some of the more generalised images would improve by being fleshed out more, for example 'couldn't take the fear out of our hearts' and 'comforting weeping wives'
Good luck with this poem, I really appreciated it!
lots of powerful lines in
lots of powerful lines in this. Like the tone. Prefer the length of this as opposed to other work on this subject.
however:
Title - ordinary men is repeated. Title works better if there is more mystery in it because you are stating the title in the poem too. So, either it is better not to repeat within the poem as we already know that this is about 'ordinary men' or to think of another title (maybe even one word)
Just needs trimming here and there. Lines could be shorter so the poem is even more effective visually.
As a hint for this : although coordinators (connecting words) are essential,we don't always need them in poetry, which makes poetry what it is. So, words like 'and' could be excluded to make this more powerful.
L2 and 5 - do you need the hyphen?
Keep posting :-)
return of .... the Gift.
Hi Nabila. Thanks for your comment. To be honest the ordinary men at the top was me just being lazy. Should have known better!
I'll work on removing the coordinators and then repost.
Dont really need the hyphens. Once again, me being lazy [havent written in a while!]. I write as i visualize myself performing a poem so those are really just hints for me to pause as i memorize the poem....