Nothing left to remind you of me.
Mon, 11/05/2009 - 09:52 — Dave Robinson
I always thought that i would leave me behind, in some sort of way.
My children would continue to tell the stories of my life.
I have no children who will speak for me.
That empty void hard to fill.
I pray at night and ask why?
Is it right and fair for a man to be childless?
Despise the people who have and don't care.
My head pity's my heart and my heart ignores me.
Are they children talking to me or is life mocking me?
Comfort and embrace me, not choke and kill me.
Which is more important my death or a child being born?
Raise me high and remember me, because no one can speak for me.
Comments
Subject is highly emotive
Subject is highly emotive and that can be very difficult to write about, esp. in poetry.
I think this needs stronger imagery and maybe look at inaccuracies such as 'empty void'as a void is empty. There is nothing wrong with a simple poem but even simple writing that is good requires creative skill. For eg. use of an image(s) which connect (s) throughout, that represents something either the void or the child
Title could be shorter and less explanatory. 'I' could be less repetitive.
nabila
Nothing left to remind you of me
I love this! I particularly like the emotional connection to the realisation of our own mortality you've got going on here. Far from being morbid, as it may potentially be perceived, it's actually got quite a nice feel to it, very warm and almost soothing quality to it which you can see if you dig deep enough!
I get the feeling I've heard this before as well - have you shared it with us at Identity?
N
Thank you i appreciate that.
Thank you i appreciate that. This piece just came into my head and i immediately blogged it. I have never shared with identity before.