Sitting by the Yoshioka Gawa River, Kurashiki, Okayama
Wed, 03/06/2009 - 13:57 — Belinda Johnston
Circling and turning above my head, the swallow plays with it’s
shadow, reflecting in the river’s afternoon haze.
To my left, the popping of tennis balls, on a soft clay court,
children’s laughter; rises over rooftops and into backyards.
To my right, an old man and his white steel cane; scrape and jolt
along the river’s stony path.
Two children kneel by the water, they wait and squabble.
Farmers’ burn their grass, the heavy smoke smarts my eyes
I take a sigh and try to forget the hour.
By Belinda Johnston
Comments
Sitting by the Yoshioka Gawa River, Kurashiki, Okayama
I really like this, so simple and yet so telling! It's often said the real meaning is found in what you don't say as opposed to what you do, and I love the fact that you've left it up to the reader's imagination a lot in this piece.
Great!
N
Hi Nadrock, Thank you so
Hi Nadrock,
Thank you so much for your encoraging words about this piece.
I've played around with this poem alot, still not sure about the piece, but was encouraged by your comments about leaving the ending to the readers imagination.
Many thanks
Belinda
nice poem
nice poem, tone and attentiveness good, typical i think of your work in terms of the lightness of touch.
not sure that referencing the sounds in spatial terms quite works, same with the swallow which pretty much by definition will be above your head. re-read a few times and in the end found 'to my left', etc. a distraction.
if i were editing would get something like this :
the swallow plays with it’s shadow, a reflection
in the river’s afternoon haze.
the popping of tennis balls, on a soft clay court.
laughter; rising over the rooftops, into backyards.
an old man, his white steel cane’s scrape and jolt
along the river’s stony path.
two children kneel by the water, farmers’ burn their grass,
the heavy smoke smarts my eyes.
I take a sigh and try to forget the hour.
i would argue this gives you the scope to add a little more to the poem that carries it a greater distance, maybe an internal observation beyond the sigh.
Hello Martin, Thank you so
Hello Martin,
Thank you so much for your suggestions. I will re-read again over this weekend. Thank you also for saying that I have a style of poetry, and that my poem is typical of my work.
I'm only just beginning to realise that I do have a style of my own and your comments are very encouraging words for me.
I will work hard on this, as I know I can do it :))
Best wishes
Belinda
p. s. vijay, what do you think?
i know you're out there
I'm not a poet martin! only
I'm not a poet martin! only a novelist.
but yes I like some of the poems on this site- and I like your edited version as well.
This poem seems like a moment in time, a snapshot, really well captured. Could the writer have added more meaning to it? does it require more meaning? you tell me as you're the poet!
Its good to read something from Pete kalu- well written Pete, you fashion icon!
Vijay.