Shoes - Draft 1
Fri, 31/07/2009 - 00:35 — Belinda Johnston
My dad’s leather shoes
Old, dormant, resting under the kitchen table
Curled up at the toe, beaten in at the back
Crispy insoles, like sandpaper, grit from the garden
And odour of turps, and beer slurped
Speckles of white paint dot the tongue
Inky blue, now a gauntly grey
Nuzzled by the dog
Sometimes, he forgets where he kicked them off!
Comments
Really dig The soul
I find the little bits of real info in this poem really great
D words : )
Hi Belinda
have read this a few times can feel the warmth of the poem and can easily picture the scene - vividly.
would consider capital D for dad for emphasis -
also i would consider taking out several words and some slight restructuring - it reads well and i like the work and think that this may help perfect the warm cocooning feel of the subject - eg
My Dad’s leather shoes
old, dormant, under the table.
Curled at the toe, beaten in at the back
insoles, like sandpaper, grit from the garden.
The odour of turps and beer slurped
speckles of white paint dot the tongue
inky blue, now a gauntly grey
nuzzled by the dog
sometimes, he forgets
where he kicked them off!
Thank you
Hi Steve,
Glad you like this poem. I thought alot about what I wanted to portray in this poem, and I did this poem as part of an exercise, stripping away the adjectives and and trying to keep things simple.
Really trying hard to work on the show not tell :)
I really like the way you've restructered the poem :)
Thank you again
Belinda
Thank you Nadeem and Nabila
Thank you Nadeem and Nabila for taking the time to comment on my poem. It's been a while since i've posted anything, so that was much appreciated.
I have a question though. Did you spot the type of shoe in my poem? Look again :)
Thank you so much
Belinda
poem with sole
You know, never paid much attention to shoes
Even so liked this, but have to say,
And only a small have to say, the punctuation un
Helpful at times.
partly i think because of the constraint imposed. could be helped a lot by the addition of a couple of full stops.
Shoes - Draft 1
Hi Belinda,
It's nice to hear from you again!
I really identify with this because I currently house-share with my two younger sisters and the thing that really bugs me all the time at home is the number of times I've almost tripped over their shoes in the hallway (they're ALWAYS leaving them lying around, here, there and everywhere!) hence the last line of this really resonates with me!
Loving the description you've used, fantastic! Seems quite humorous as well, was that your intention?
Regards,
Nadeem
Hi All, I wrote this poem as
Hi All,
I wrote this poem as part of a workshop exercise.
The exercise asked you to focus all of your thoughts on a particular object or thing that conjures up lots of images for you.
I always remember my dad's shoes because they say alot about him and that is the point I'm trying to make in this poem.
Hope you enjoy it.
Best wishes Belinda x
I didn't know where to type
I didn't know where to type 'thank you' for reading and commenting on rainy city . Thanks xx
your poem above:
I do like this a lot and can see this as a direct result of the workshop. Great poem x