She hate
Sun, 05/04/2009 - 02:00 — Belinda Johnston
I can’t stand her
she thinks she’s so great
but she’s just so bland.
Those skirts' she wears: Him
on demand; ready to flirt!
She believes, she has the upper hand -
but I know better: Even sent Richard and Judy a letter!
Get it off my chest, rest a bit
then I’ll be ready: To tell her, some home truths -
that I, was going steady.
I had plans in distant lands - Palm trees; him on my arm.
Now look at me: Full of self-pity
he used to say I was so witty- full of charm
now I’ve resorted to self-harm.
Even the dog feels sorry for me
watching corrie and piling on the weight
foolish of me to think, life was full of happy times
and loves fate.
All I can do right now: Is HATE.
Comments
She hate
I really like this Belinda, it's cool! I like the specific images you've given such as "even the dog feels sorry for me" - a truly great line!
The only thing I would have liked to see was more of an exploration of WHY the central character hates this other anonymous person so much. I know you've kind of touched on it but a deeper explanation (for me, anyway) would be better as it would tell more of a story.
What else can I say except it's brilliant overall!
Hi Martin, Melanie and
Hi Martin, Melanie and Cultureword,
Thank you for your comments about my poem. I wrote this poem as part of a workshop at the Green Room.
I understand what you mean about the irony and the parellelism in the piece. However, when I wrote it I didn't intend this to happen, but I can see how I could improve the piece by rearranging the wording and editing parts that don't achieve the humour of the first three stanzas.
Thank you again Belinda
like what's in this
like what’s in this, wondered if you could use the melodrama to build a little more on the humorous effects
don’t know if you’re familiar with oral literatures but a technique they all employ is parallelism, that is repetition of syntactically similar structures. aids structure, emotion, subtle variation and expansion of thought, rhythm, comparison and contrast, irony, humour, etc
you use parallelism in relation to ‘she’, lines 2, 3 and 6; and the ‘but’ beginning of lines 3 and 7 contrasts the ‘she’ and ‘i’ well as being and knowing, with the being a consequence of the knowing. enables the humour and irony of richard and judy and helps hold the first three stanzas together. for me gets a bit bitty after that.
opening line gets audience attention well with the fact that the ‘i’ has had a lot of time to think about what it is about to say and is going to say it.
beacuse the voice is aware of its situation but ends with a declaration of passivity/helplessness works well in reference back to the first line. Not that all the ‘i’ can do is hate but that all the ‘i’ wants to do is hate, and mock itself at the same time. as such a poem about holding on even when the knowledge required to let go is present.
wonder though if you don’t need the hate writ quite so loud. could there be a quieter end to the poem that amplifies the self conscious irony? in a richard and judy kind of way.
fun
Its a fun poem that does not try to reveal any spellbindingly new insight into the human condition and uses fairly undemanding imagery and popular TV references so a live audience can grasp the idea and roll along with it very quickly as a familiar - if not often verbalised and therefore slightly taboo, hence the audience's laughter/frisson - emotion/set of emotions. Wont win any page poetry prizes but gauranteed to get a laugh, which is what you wrote it for, nuh?
Comment from Nabila
ditto to Cultureword .
Love this its funny but
Love this its funny but ascerbic at the same time, bitter/sweet. Its so woman too. Love it, should go down well in Japan
How it came about
I wrote this poem in response to a open mic session at the Green Room. Essentially this is a performance poem, but I wanted to post it to see how people felt about it. I wrote it almost two years ago. I woke up one morning and the words just came flooding out! Funny how that happens isn't it?
Anyway, I look forward to any feedback. I'm thinking to perform this poem in Japan. I think I might have managed to get a slot in a Reggae bar in the town where I currently live, to read my poems and have an outlet for my performance. Many thanks Belinda x