My Journey Back

It’s my last day. I’ll never see the tall telephone cables, from the corner of my eye,
where they join up, black, look like crows; waiting.
Or the
Pink, blue and yellow futon’s, hanging over balconies,
blowing in the wind, from the holler of petrol station attendants,
Who make rainbows on windscreens with their elbows, egging cars, in and out.

I’ll never smell yaki niku, as it smoulders on charcoal:
Amy, splatting me with the fat.
Or
Taste the gumminess of mochi, melting all corners of my mouth:
It’s red centre, like lava.

I’ll never hear the children’s jostle of bags,
As they wander home, Pokémon, Hello kitty key rings,
swinging from their straps.
Or the
Irasshaimase, sumimasens, as I walk into conveni’s, a big no thank you to a placcy bag.

I’ll never see, the black inviting eyes, of the female sushi chef, as she shapes the tuna
gives ME extra wasabi :).

As I land, I see the familiar red and orange lights lining the M60.

My Nan’s white wiry hair and soft tissue wrinkles, welcome me
Mum’s cheeks, a flurry of red, reaching for a hug
Dad’s manky moan’s: Where’ve you bin, the pots need washin.
And you sister
A sense of relief, rimming your smile.

Comments

rimming your smile

is such an effective line. Also the drama and intrigue of 'black inviting eyes, of the female sushi chef,' Its a good idea that maybe could be even more effective if the poem were more strcutured/concentrated. I was reading from some poet about the movement 'from delight to wisdom' a poem may have. (I think it was Robert Frost) I get the feeling your poem could have this structure.

Thankk you

I've taken on board the comments from this poem and have completely revised it.

Hope people like the new hopefully improved version.

Belinda x

My Journey Back

Hey Belinda!

Nice to hear from you again! I've been laying low for a while due to illness but I'm gradually getting better. As always with your work, I love the imagery and the different characters. The only thing I'm wondering about is whether this is a poem or whether it's prose; I'm not entirely sure - I think that's what you need to decide. If it is a poem, then I think you need to shorten some of the lines as they do seem to be running off the page in several instances.

However, I still really like it and think it's really well written and I can picture the scenes you're describing really really well!

Hope that's not too harsh!

Nadeem

Thank you for the feedback

I will think about the poem. Already been revising it and trying to make the poem more precise, punchy.

I would like to keep it as a poem rather than prose.

I'll check out what Robert Frost said.

Thank you for taking the time to comment on this piece

Belinda

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