The Goodbye Party
The Goodbye Party
Based on ‘Where we are’ by Stephen Dobyns
Shaking a glass ball - a man
stares into the scene, as snow
falls onto plastic figures
Dipping her chips into the blob of mayonnaise
A woman bites down; white liquid oozes
through the gaps of her teeth
Knobbly elbows and stooped shoulders
lean in
Table legs wobble, white knuckles
grasp jugs of beer
Hands waft waitresses’, between sips
and slurps of drinks
Shiny paper, flung to the floor: Crushed
under careless feet
Big orange lamp swings, it’s long
plaited chain rattles the glass
A sharp breeze climbs the stairs, enters the room
like an uninvited guest
Small glass ball rolls, indiscriminately -
drops and shatters
Paper grows soggy, a woman slips in pointed
sequined shoes
Outside a December winds gusts; the chip painted
window lock loosens
A man sways, his cracked hand reaches for the bell
A waitress trips, her foot catches the carpet
This is where we are in history - to think that the drinks
will continue to flow - the walls we have built will protect
us from our gluttony
A small glass ball shimmers proudly in the light -
drops and shatters - it’s plastic figures disregarded
and swept away.
By Belinda Johnston
Comments
The Goodbye Party
This piece is really good in sense that it captures the current political situation in terms of greed and selfishness - I don't know if you intended to do this but it's very clever - and it's done with a lot of sophistication There are a few words you could lose, such as "it's" in the last stanza and "as" in the first stanza, which are rather redundant but apart from that, a great piece!
N
Where we are
an excellent idea, and your attempt to update it is impressive. Perhaps hard to tell the pattern of the lines in your poem due to the blog strictures. I read the Stephen Dobyns original and think maybe your poem is a little too close to his in its thinking and structure (especially the transition 'This is where we are' - almost an exact copy?) , but the imagery you choose is very your own and sublime.
Hello, Thank you for those
Hello,
Thank you for those encouraging words. Yes, I agree I need to revise the poem and make it my own, in terms of the structure and ending.
But, as you said the imagery I have chosen is very much my own. I will work on it, and send my revised poem when ready :)
Thank you again
Belinda