Cycling - New Draft
Mon, 07/12/2009 - 16:10 — Belinda Johnston
Painted heels scuff pavements at stop signs,
stones ping on silver spokes.
Bicycle lamps murmur under the
moon's gleam
sultry air strokes rouged cheeks
black lacquered hair glows.
It is late. Four women cycle; swap stories
from their day
dipping down ditches; dirt dashing their socks.
As legs lag, and shoulders hunch in neon shadows
Voices vesper:
Gambatte, gambatte.
Giggling, oyasuminasai, oyasuminasai
Oyasumi.
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Comments
rhythms and readings
Not sure the first full stops and comma are needed given the line breaks etc. I love how it pulls up at 'It is late' Umm generally i feel myself arguing with your punctuation, somehow subverts the mood which is so absorbing
PS. I hear you are appearing at a venue in manchester with food and candles (?) on the menu.
cycling
Clare R
I like this poem! Very evocative, great images! I would love to see more of this. It seems to split in two halves. In the first half, it's almost scene-setting with heels, stones, lamps, air, hair taking centre stage, some human - heels, hair, some inanimate - stones, lamps and one 'element' - air
Then we are introduced to the women, this almost feels like lines from a short story.
Then back to the women and then again, to their legs, shoulders voices
and then the last stanza, feels almost incantational in its repetition.
Were you conscious about the way the poem breaks down? What was your thinking behind it?
Any thoughts about the title?
all the best
interesting
to see this poem develop Belinda - like the images and the central idea
what do the words at the end mean?
steve x
Hiya, words at the end mean;
Hiya, words at the end mean; Keep going, keep going, and Goodnight, Goodnight.
Yeah, this poem has changed so much since the original version, back and forth, up and down :)
Thank you and glad you like it.
All is good here ! only
All is good here !
only thing to watch is the tense dipping,dashing (-ing) which changes from eg murmur, strokes, cycle.
think decide which one to keep and then be consistent
love the ending
Hi Nabila Thank you for you
Hi Nabila
Thank you for you comment. But, i don't always think it's necessary in a poem to keep with the same tense. I don't think it's confusing for the reader. I changed tense here because of the momentum of dipping and dashing.
As ever all comments are welcome
Love
Belinda