Cycling - Draft 3
Sun, 16/08/2009 - 02:49 — Belinda Johnston
Four girls’ - side by side, cycling:
Swapping stories from their day
Baskets brimmed with books and bags.
An April breeze brushes their cheeks;
ruffles their navy skirts’
Dipping down ditches, dirt, dashing socks.
Laughter lifts them up from their saddles; shoes scuff
at stop signs, jutting corners, stones ping against
spokes.
Silence, as they approach home
The droning of bicycle lamps, drowned by dead pedals.
Dawdling to their doors, heaving holdalls.
They say goodnight, stepping inside their houses:
Hoping to sleep, parents pester.
Plonking themselves down
as they finger their books.
Comments
speed
Hi Belinda,
in that the first section builds a head of speed and i like the flow of it and can picture the scene - i almost feel that it cuts itself short with the use of the word Silence and the full stop which comes before it.
I like dead pedals stones ping against spokes etc
not sure about plonking i think that nesting or some other word could convey a warmer feel - in from the outside, into a loving home, into the hearthplace of the ending : )
Thanx
Hi Steve,
I see what you mean about the silence. What I'm trying to convey is the freedom that the girls' feel on their bicycles, their friendship.
They want to go home, but they don;t want to do homework or anything like that.
They feel confined, but when they're on their bikes they feel free.
So, I will have to think about the wording to try and convey this.
Thank you for your comments, it's made me rethink the poem and where i want it to go.
Belinda