the mists were heavy that year and stuck to our clothes as we walked. often we would return having found only one or two of the precious flowers and the mist would still be shimmering around us, a pale unearthly fluorescence. it would take an hour in the tumble dryer before the last willowy strands would disappear. occasionally the mist would call out to us as we trudged over the heath towards the woods. it would call out the names of our mothers and their mothers and their mothers before them, along with the many crimes the mages had accused them.
Do you ever wake up with a fear of getting up and facing the world that is so strong that ideas and things you are not supposed to think of appear in your mind?
I do, this morning I felt a pain in the centre of my stomach, it was the size of a two pund coin in the place where my belly button should have been. It was there reminding me of my past where I lived in fear and kept myself to myself. I would talk to noone because everyone appeared to have their stuff together and didnt need me to mither them about something inconsequential as my worries.
I am writing this to exorcise some of my demons, also to give thanks to those who i have met on my journey and in the hope that someone may gain, some of the understanding I have gained along the way. I know this may seem somewhat arrogant of me, only just recently starting out in a lovely relationship with a significant other but as I come to realise it is more about the relationship one has with themself, therefore as I have known me for 40 years, it is quite apt.
Nerves jangled, neurons like jelly,
I walk, my steps light and airy,
The whites of my eyes reddened
Brain all clogged with hyperactive thoughts
Multiple caffeine overdoses
Just so that I can get through a day
Without wanting to strangle someone.
I say that I'm fine, really I'm totally drained,
Devoid of all rational thoughts
As my upper body tightens.
I'm not sad, I'm not happy,
I'm not angry, my state of mind is simple.
I'm still fighting the battle no one ever really wins.